I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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