Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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