good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize