I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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