Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
