I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
i black out too much to be "responsible"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
