I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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