Do you still have your period?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
