My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
