I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
