No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
