im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
