wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
