I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
i believe in u and ur pee
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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