I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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