you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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