The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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