That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
