Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
