I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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