I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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