i was born a porn star she said
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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