At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
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