Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
