Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize