i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
