She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
