Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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