Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
