Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize