Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Sorry my hands just texted you
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
