Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
How naked do you want me to be?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
