Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize