We won't sleep together?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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