You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
