I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
