There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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