So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He did a backflip because drugs
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
