dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
