i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
