just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
