i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
