if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
