Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
