i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
