is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
