this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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