I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize