we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
