I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
