I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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