you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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