I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize