I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
