Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
