I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
